Winter Maintenance

As the Wehrmacht bears down on Moscow, Russia 's oldest, most reliable soldier, General Winter, comes to her rescue. The sudden drop to sub-zero temperature has caused the German machinery of death to grind to a halt. The oil has turned to a Jell-O-like substance in the crankcases of the tanks, trucks, and aircraft. Radiators and blocks have frozen and cracked. The very fuel has frozen in the lines and the poorly prepared German army is thrown back from the gates of Moscow . The world is saved.

What's that? Turn down the History Channel - I think your wife's trying to tell you the car won't start!

Cold and death cold

Most of America does not live in the area that experiences death cold, where failure to take proper care in the winter can lead to death or serious consequences. I do not presume to know the tips to survival there, but Darwin will take care of that. Where the rest of us live, winter is just a bloody nuisance that makes us long for some real global warming. But until then, here's the expected advice.

·    Have your battery tested, and if it's more than three years old, just replace it.

·    Time your tire replacement for fall, so that you go into winter with a fresh set of treads.

·    Replace your windshield wiper blades and don't forget the one on the rear, if you have one. And for goodness sake, don't try to cheap out and just replace the rubber insert. They always wind up streaking and smearing if you do that.

·    Antifreeze, oil, and fluids should be checked and serviced as needed.

·    Belts, hoses, and items likely to suffer from cold cracking should be checked.

·    Doors, hinges, and locks should be lubricated.

·    Lighting, especially those little marker lights, should be working to make you as visible as possible.

·    Make sure the batteries in your keyless entry or remote starter are new.

You may not know this, but most fast-lube places fill your windshield washer reservoirs with what's no better than blue water in the summer, and if temperatures drop too fast, you'll be caught with frozen washer lines or a fluid that just freezes on the cold windshield, making the situation worse. Go buy a couple of gallons of the good washer fluid that melts ice, evacuate your washer reservoir by holding the washer switch until it's empty, then pour the good stuff in. Be sure to carry at least an extra gallon, because if you've ever been caught in a dirty snow or slush storm, it goes fast.

And if you have nice carpet, particularly that saddle or light tan the car makers love, get some good rubber floor mats so you don't ruin your carpet.

Be sure to have a well-stocked emergency kit in your trunk, which you can find at any car parts store or most drug stores, in the event your careful preparations couldn't keep you from getting stuck in a snowdrift.

Finally, make sure your cellphone is fully charged and you have a working car adapter for it.

Many cars with anti-lock brakes also have traction control, which uses both the brakes and engine power modulating to keep the car stable. There may be a switch to turn the traction control off. See how differently (worse) the car behaves with the traction control off. The switch is there because under certain conditions such as trying to rock the car out of deep snow the traction control will actually prevent the wheels from spinning enough to accomplish this. And a word about "rocking" out of deep snow. Take it easy, giving the car frequent rests in neutral to cool the transmission down so you don't smoke it.

And remember that all-wheel drive, traction control, and anti-lock brakes are truly wonderful innovations, especially to one who drove a '73 Duster with bald tires, but these things do not repeal Newton 's Laws of Motion, and vehicles with these features can and do skid, slide, crash, and roll over - and get stuck in snow drifts. Especially when driven by angry little suburban girls with bad attitudes flipping everyone off as they go down the road. Sorry - that must have been a flashback.