 Tool Humor
I thought I would share as I am sure we can all relate:
COMMON TOOLS DEFINED
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
> and flings your beer across the room.
>
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
> and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
> to say, "Oh sh!#..."
>
>
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
> creation of blood-blisters.
>
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
> convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
> Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
> crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
> influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round
> off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
> be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
>
> WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong
> the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
> various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
> for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
> you want to remove a bearing race.
>
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
> launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
> than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes
> thereby ending any possible future use.
>
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
> most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
> that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
> inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
> tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
> on the end opposite the handle.
>
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
> seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
> cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
> as the name implies, to strip out phillips screw heads.
>
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
> Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
> non-removable screws.
>
>
> ?PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
> clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
> 50 cent part.
>
>
> ?HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> ?
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
> most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
> hit.
>
> ?DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
> the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of
> your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you
> will need. | 
