A guy is drinking at a bar, and he looks awful. He's the only one in the bar, and he's downing shots and beer all afternoon. The bartender comes over to him and says, "Buddy, I've seen some sorry souls in this bar, but you've got about the sorriest look that I've ever seen. What's the problem?"
"It's a long story, and you don't want to hear it. Trust me."
"Nonsense. Maybe by telling me about it, it'll help you take a load off. And right now, I've got plenty of time."
The guy looks up from his booze. "You sure?"
"Yeah, shoot."
"Okay, it started when I was just a kid. I was walking to school one morning and I saw some people reading a magazine. I was curious, so I went over and asked them what the name of the magazine was. They said it was 'Purple Passion.' I thanked them for telling me and went on to school.
"Since I made that little side trip, I was late for school. My teacher asked me why I was late, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine and I stopped to ask them what it was. She asked me the name of the magazine, and I told her 'Purple Passion,' and she got really mad and sent me straight to the principal.
"The principal wasn't in his office when I got there, but he showed up a few minutes later and asked me why I was there. I told him that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and I asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that made me late for school. When I got to school, my teacher asked me why I was late, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that's what made me late. She asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told her, she got really mad and sent me here.
"'That seems a little unusual,' the principal said. 'What was the name of the magazine?' he asked. 'Purple Passion,' I told him. He turned beet red and yelled at me, saying that I was suspended until further notice and that I should go straight home immediately and that I wasn't allowed to talk to any of the other students.
"So, home I went. I had just come in the door when I saw my mom. She was obviously surprised to see me and asked me why I was home so early. I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and I asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that made me late for school. When I got to school, my teacher asked me why I was late, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that's what made me late. She asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told her, she got really mad and sent me to the principal's office. The principal asked me why I had been sent to him, and I told him that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and I asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that made me late for school. When I got to school, my teacher asked me why I was late, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that's what made me late. She asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told her, she got really mad and sent me there. The principal then asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told him, he got really mad, said I was suspended, and sent me home.
"My mom was pretty startled by all this, as you might well imagine. Then she asked me what the name of the magazine was. 'Purple Passion,' I said. Her jaw hit the floor, then she said, 'Well, I never! You just go straight to your room and I don't want to hear another word out of you until your father talks to you!!!'
"So in my room I waited, all day long. Finally, my dad got home and was soon in my room asking me why Mom had put me in my room for the whole day. I told him that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and I asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that made me late for school. When I got to school, my teacher asked me why I was late, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that's what made me late. She asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told her, she got really mad and sent me to the principal's office. The principal asked me why I had been sent to him, and I told him that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and I asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that made me late for school. When I got to school, my teacher asked me why I was late, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that's what made me late. She asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told her, she got really mad and sent me to the principal's office. The principal then asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told him, he got really mad, said I was suspended, and sent me home. When I got home, Mom asked me why I was home so early, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and I asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that made me late for school. When I got to school, my teacher asked me why I was late, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that's what made me late. She asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told her, she got really mad and sent me to the principal's office. The principal asked me why I had been sent to him, and I told him that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and I asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that made me late for school. When I got to school, my teacher asked me why I was late, and I told her that I saw some people reading a magazine on the way to school and asked them what the name of the magazine was, and that's what made me late. She asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told her, she got really mad and sent me to the principal's office. The principal then asked me what the name of the magazine was, and when I told him, he got really mad, said I was suspended, and sent me home. Mom then asked me the name of the magazine, and I told her, and she got really mad and sent me to my room.
"'That's some story! What was the name of the magazine?' my dad asked. "'Purple Passion,' I told him.
"For a long moment, he didn't say anything, but he was turning beet red. After what seemed like an eternity, he went to my closet, pulled out my two suitcases, threw them to the floor at my feet and told me that I had five minutes to pack, and that I was to leave and never return.
"Ever since then, since I was thirteen, I've been on my own. I've had the roughest life that I could never curse somebody else with. It's been all I could do just to make it to the next day, most times."
"Man, that's the sorriest story I've ever heard. And the name of that magazine was "Purple Passion,' right?"
"Yeah, and I never did find out what all the uproar was about. It ruined my life, and I've never known why."
"You know," said the bartender, "the movie theater across the street is playing a movie called 'Purple Passion.' Maybe you should check it out."
The man's head comes up quickly. "Really? I mean, really?"
"Sure," says the bartender. "The theater's right across the street."
With surprising energy, the downtrodden man leaps from the bar stool, bolts out the door and runs across the street. Halfway across, he gets hit by a big rig and is killed instantly.
The moral of the story:
Look both ways before crossing the street!
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2006 GT Tungsten Grey 5 spd, Xcal2/Pipeline CAI, Powerhouse tune. Spoiler delete. Front Speakers:Infinity 6812CF;Blaupunkt GTc652. Rear:Infinity Kappa 682.7CF. H/U:Alpine CDA-9885. Alpine MRP-F250 amp. Sequentials. President of the Splash guard registry. On Deck: Motoblue UDP's.
1976 Ford Mustang II Ghia: 302 with a 600cfm Edelbrock carb, Edelbrock Performer 289 intake, Dynomax Blackjack headers, 2.5" exhaust with Flowmaster Super 44s. RJS 11-gallon fuel cell, C4 tranny, chrome 16" pony wheels, fuzzy dice, brown vinyl half-top, and painted in the tackiest color ever (harvest gold, that's why I call it "The Goldenrod").
Also have a 2003 Dodge Ram (lightly modded daily driver/tow rig/office/dining room/home away from home/workshop... I call it "The Big Blue Dawg".)
Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all
spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had
to leave early to go shopping. Love you."
So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.
"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.
His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your
pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.
There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a
downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring
rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the
car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still
drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped
lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my
window!!! There's an
old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)"
This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little
and ask him what he wants!"
So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his
wits, "What do you want???"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and
yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing
again, and the passenger says, "Dude! what do
you think of that?"
The driver says, "Man, I don't know? How could that be? I'm going pretty
fast?"
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is
the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!” the passenger
yells."
"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window
then yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to
forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is
MORE knocking!
"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU
WANT?" in stark fear.
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"
The following tale is from the history of the oldest commissioned war
ship in the world, the USS Constitution. It comes by way of the National Park Service, as printed in "Oceanographic Ships, Fore and Aft", a periodical from the Oceanographer of the US Navy.
On 23 August 1779, The USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum. Her mission: to destroy and harass English shipping.
On 6 October, she made Jamaca, took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 2,300 gallons of Portuguese Wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and
scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum.
By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made
her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard and headed for home.
On 20 February 1780, Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum and no whiskey. She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water.
The math is quite enlightening: Length of cruise: 181 days. Booze
consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does NOT include the
unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).
Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this cruise was
92%.
__________________
“If it rolls, floats, flies or shoots, runs on gasoline or gunpowder, goes fast or shoots a big bullet and makes lots of noise, thus producing torque and recoil — it’s cool.” --Sterling Moss, Society of Torque and Recoil OhFour GT Drop top * Kenne Bell 9PSI I/C * Ford Racing 03 Cobra aluminum radiator * Full length welded subframe connectors * Couple of AutoMeter gauges, Grill delete kit * ZR3 Active laser countermeasures front and rear * Escort X50 blue radar detector *Clifford RSX3.5 Alarm
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D. C.
Dear Sir,
I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my welfare check.
My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $1,000 from the Government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from the government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Ima Taker
PS. Please notify me when you are giving out more free cheese.
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'05 Sonic Blue GT w/ '07 V8 engine, 5-sp, IUP, Beige leather interior, nothing else -
just the way I wanted it. (1 of 113)
OK, so I've added a few things to it. Check my Profile - too many to list here.
That long joke, with this whole buildup about "Purple Passion" and the whole punchline is "look both ways before you cross the street???"
So wrong... lol
__________________
1976 Ford Mustang II Ghia: 302 with a 600cfm Edelbrock carb, Edelbrock Performer 289 intake, Dynomax Blackjack headers, 2.5" exhaust with Flowmaster Super 44s. RJS 11-gallon fuel cell, C4 tranny, chrome 16" pony wheels, fuzzy dice, brown vinyl half-top, and painted in the tackiest color ever (harvest gold, that's why I call it "The Goldenrod").
Also have a 2003 Dodge Ram (lightly modded daily driver/tow rig/office/dining room/home away from home/workshop... I call it "The Big Blue Dawg".)
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington, D.C. Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his
window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
__________________
'05 Sonic Blue GT w/ '07 V8 engine, 5-sp, IUP, Beige leather interior, nothing else -
just the way I wanted it. (1 of 113)
OK, so I've added a few things to it. Check my Profile - too many to list here.
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The Marine guard
snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton, and I got one for
Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says, "Excellent trade,
sir."
__________________
“If it rolls, floats, flies or shoots, runs on gasoline or gunpowder, goes fast or shoots a big bullet and makes lots of noise, thus producing torque and recoil — it’s cool.” --Sterling Moss, Society of Torque and Recoil OhFour GT Drop top * Kenne Bell 9PSI I/C * Ford Racing 03 Cobra aluminum radiator * Full length welded subframe connectors * Couple of AutoMeter gauges, Grill delete kit * ZR3 Active laser countermeasures front and rear * Escort X50 blue radar detector *Clifford RSX3.5 Alarm
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...you know, I
just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a
job."
The social worker behind the counter says "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will
have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided
a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy wide-eyed, says "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says,"Yeah, well.....you started it."
Drew
__________________
If I take cars and hot girls with money and add them to my life, I have found the key to happiness!
87 GT (UNDER CONSTRUCTION) new paint job, 306 w/ TFS stage 1 cam, TFS intake , still cant decide on heads.
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