[countymounty]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said 'WHAT????!!!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads hearing.....'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'can't you just love me for who

I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them ALL. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said

lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'that's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier'. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT??!!!'

Then I said, 'Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.... You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a ! woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ' Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[pcfrisch]

New Living Will Form
I, _________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following, it should be presumed that I will never ever get better:

______a Coors Light

______a Bud Light
______a Bloody Mary,
______a Margarita
______a Scotch and soda
______a Martini
______a Vodka and Tonic
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control
______a Bowl of ice cream
______The sports page
______Chocolate
______Sex

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

[pcfrisch]

Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over
by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with
his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the
cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered.
"When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license
ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer" the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't
know your laws here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives
the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the
window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the
nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper."
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down
the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,
'I wish that arshole would've tried that sh!t with me!'"

[countymounty]

The last time I was pulled over for speeding the cop asked for my license, registeration and proof of insurance. I warned him that I had a gun in the golve box, that I used to hijack this car and the owner is in the trunk. He pulled his gun and called for backup. After searching they could find nothing so the Sgt told me that the original cop said I had a gun, hijacked the car and the owner was in the trunk. I said, that jerk probably told you I was speeding too!

[pcfrisch]

Old, but funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLFCi...arch=democrats

[myltlpny]

A small piece of rope walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender walks up and says "Say, aren't you a piece of rope?"
"Why yes I am." The piece of rope replies.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here, you'll have to leave."

So the piece of rope leaves an goes to another bar.
The bartender walks up and says "Say, aren't you a piece of rope?"
"Why yes I am." The piece of rope replies.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here, you'll have to leave."

After this happens another couple of times, the piece of rope becomes so agitated, he gets all twisted up and his ends come undone and frizzled.

He walks into another bar. The bartender walks up and says "Say, aren't you a piece of rope?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot"

[countymounty]

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:


www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

[pcfrisch]

Winning entries from the "My Very Last Photo" contest.

[pcfrisch]

Why dogs bite people

[pcfrisch]

Why dogs bite people 2

[Punxsy Stang]

cool picssssssss

[pcfrisch]

Joke of the week

[countymounty]

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed
all the tests so far, there is only one test left. Unless you
pass it you cannot enter the United States of America.
Make a sentence using the words, Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works for Verizon.
I know because I talked to him yesterday.

[razorjr07]

Originally Posted by BlueStreak03

www.chucknorrisfacts.com 'nuff said.

HE'S MY HERO!!!

And here is my joke
A guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch"

ok here are a couple of proverbs from China:

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exahusted.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

What not to say to a cop.

When he asks for your licenese and registration, ask for his.
When he says "Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" ask him "Your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
When he asks if you know how fast your were going respond with "No but you must have been going fast as hell to keep up with me"
When he pulls his gun ask him if he got that squirt gun at a dollar store.
When he pulls his gun tell him your Mexcian friend in the trunk has the same kind.

[countymounty]

Clicking the link I see another link to Chuck Norris: Against All Odds: My Story I have never been a huge fan of his movies or TV show but I always liked him, I read this years ago with its first printing and if you like Chuck Norris it should be required reading.

Chuck Norris for president!