Three men are in a bar, trying to do the most disgusting thing in the world...
The first guy takes a swig of beer, starts coughing, and spits out a huge ball of phlegm onto the bar table. The other two nod their heads.
The next guy says "That's nothing... check this out" and goes outside, smokes a few cigarrettes and eats the butts, comes back in, takes a swig of beer, and proceeds to cough up an even bigger pile of bile, phlegm, and chunky brown things onto the table.
Knowing he was beaten, the first guy lowered his head.
The third guy smiled for a second, then said, "Bartender, get me a straw"
A duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Hey Barkeep, got any grapes?" The bartender says no and tells the duck to leave.
The duck walks into the bar the next day and again asks the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender tells him no and sends him away.
The next day the duck walks in again and asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No I don't have any grapes, but if you waddle in here and ask that again I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the bar!"
The next day the duck walks in and asks "Got any nails?" Bartender says "No, why?" Duck asks "Got any grapes?"
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1976 Ford Mustang II Ghia: 302 with a 600cfm Edelbrock carb, Edelbrock Performer 289 intake, Dynomax Blackjack headers, 2.5" exhaust with Flowmaster Super 44s. RJS 11-gallon fuel cell, C4 tranny, chrome 16" pony wheels, fuzzy dice, brown vinyl half-top, and painted in the tackiest color ever (harvest gold, that's why I call it "The Goldenrod").
Also have a 2003 Dodge Ram (lightly modded daily driver/tow rig/office/dining room/home away from home/workshop... I call it "The Big Blue Dawg".)
What do Michael Jackson and Mickey Mouse have in common?
The both wear white gloves
They both talk in high, squeaky voices
They are both White on Black
They are always surrounded by little children
They have their own fan clubs
They have amusement parks in their backyard
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on
the sand & picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle
and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know
who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman
and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed
in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with
Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good
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2006 GT Tungsten Grey 5 spd, Xcal2/Pipeline CAI, Powerhouse tune. Spoiler delete. Front Speakers:Infinity 6812CF;Blaupunkt GTc652. Rear:Infinity Kappa 682.7CF. H/U:Alpine CDA-9885. Alpine MRP-F250 amp. Sequentials. President of the Splash guard registry. On Deck: Motoblue UDP's.
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan , Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender. French President Jacques Chirac.
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay, by Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore.
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers, by Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals, John Kerry.
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton.
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.
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2006 GT Tungsten Grey 5 spd, Xcal2/Pipeline CAI, Powerhouse tune. Spoiler delete. Front Speakers:Infinity 6812CF;Blaupunkt GTc652. Rear:Infinity Kappa 682.7CF. H/U:Alpine CDA-9885. Alpine MRP-F250 amp. Sequentials. President of the Splash guard registry. On Deck: Motoblue UDP's.
A Texas Chili Contest.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, (or know that Canadians use only two spices-salt and salt) you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.
Frank. "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards.
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Chili 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
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Judge 1-A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2-Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge 3-(Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
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Chili 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
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Judge 1-Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2-Exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3-Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
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Chili 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
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Judge 1-Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2-A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3-Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
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Chili 4 Bubba's Black Magic
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Judge 1-Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2-Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3-I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb ***** is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
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Chili 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
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Judge 1-Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2-Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3-My ears are ringing, seat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told here that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning by lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
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Chili 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
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Judge 1-Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2-The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge 3-My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
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Chili 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
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Judge 1-A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2-Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3-You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!
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Chili 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
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Judge 1-The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2-This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Drew
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If I take cars and hot girls with money and add them to my life, I have found the key to happiness!
87 GT (UNDER CONSTRUCTION) new paint job, 306 w/ TFS stage 1 cam, TFS intake , still cant decide on heads.
I could hardly finish reading that I was laughing so hard. Thanks, I needed that!
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'05 Sonic Blue GT w/ '07 V8 engine, 5-sp, IUP, Beige leather interior, nothing else -
just the way I wanted it. (1 of 113)
OK, so I've added a few things to it. Check my Profile - too many to list here.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........
"You have exactly 1586 sheep".
"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not" answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog".
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2006 GT Tungsten Grey 5 spd, Xcal2/Pipeline CAI, Powerhouse tune. Spoiler delete. Front Speakers:Infinity 6812CF;Blaupunkt GTc652. Rear:Infinity Kappa 682.7CF. H/U:Alpine CDA-9885. Alpine MRP-F250 amp. Sequentials. President of the Splash guard registry. On Deck: Motoblue UDP's.
A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.
The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.
The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
So the elephant says to the camel,
“Why do you have two boobs on your back?”
The camel replies,
“That’s a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on their face.”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going on down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant one."
"We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on
the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, PLEASE see the b*tch in the
kitchen..."
(1 of 113)
