[countymounty]

Just thought a fun thread could be “clean jokes” ones that would be appropriate for work environments.


Starting off……


Man goes into bar and sits on an empty stool next to a woman. The woman hiccups and her eyeball pops out. The man makes a diving catch and hands the eyeball back to her. The woman buys him a drink and engages him in conversation. One thing leads to another and they wake up next morning in bed with one another. The man asks, "Do you spend the night with every man you meet in a bar." The woman replies, "No, you just caught my eye."

[countymounty]

I have some friends from Canada so I thought this was funny!

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."
"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."
"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."
"N, eh."
"D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...

[pcfrisch]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that

She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the heck is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my arss coming into work today.

[pcfrisch]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely de- molished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...

[pcfrisch]

The University of California at Berkley has recently announced the discovery

of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been

tentatively named "Administratium". Administratium has 1 neutron, 12

assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons,

giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a

force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like

particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be

detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to

complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has

a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a

reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy

neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each

reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This

characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that

Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in

concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical

Morass." You'll know it when you see it.

[pcfrisch]

"Late Show with David Letterman," CBS:

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."

"But here is the sad part before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."

"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."



"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC:

"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.

"That's the big story over the weekend. … Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'"

"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"



"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central:

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt … making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. … But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. … moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted it's just not worth it."

[fordgrl99]

Hope this is clean enough for work environment...got it at work!!



A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story:


Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.

[Puptent21]

An 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his
cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 90-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped
a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[engineer76]

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne."
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live
there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"

[countymounty]

The police found a body today. It had no brain, screwed up teeth, a small penius , and a swollen a$$hole. I’m worried, give me a call if you are ok.

[NewPonyGuy]

County I swear that is a French Joke.

This one was being passed around at work.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Keep it on your desk and wait until 4:00, then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," *(see number 1) run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. Let me guess, its the one I do last?

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

[BlueStreak03]

A man walks into his bedroom one night with a goat under his arm. He whispers 'See honey, this is the pig I sleep with everytime you have a headache'. His sleeping wife overhears this and rolls over to tell him 'You jerk, if you'd look closer you'd realize that you're carrying a goat.' He replies and says 'Honey if you'd listen closer you'd realize I wasn't talking to you.'

[BlueStreak03]

A man walks into his bedroom one night where his wife is sleeping, he's carrying a goat under his arm. He whispers softly "See honey, this is the pig I sleep with everytime you have a headache." His wife awakens to hear this and tells him "You jerk, if you look closer, you'll realize the the pig is actually a goat." He replies "You moron, if you'd listen closer you'd realize that I wasn't talking to you."

[BlueStreak03]

www.chucknorrisfacts.com 'nuff said.

[countymounty]

Chuck Norris rules!
I read his autobiography, that man has some morals and principals, maybe he should run for president!