[Blind_Guardian]

figured we need a good joke thread...dunno if this has been done before but meh here i go anyway.

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just ******* with you, she's dead."

-------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"


---------------------------------------------------------------
went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"


--------------------------------------------------------


There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."


--------------------------------------------------
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[Langod]

Charles bought a new BMW. His 10 year old grandson, Timmy, was very interested in the car and wanted to see all the bells and whistles. They played with all the goodies -- the heated seats, the GPS system, the automatic wipers.

Finally, Charles says he has to head out and meet a friend at the golf course. He pops the trunk to check his golf clubs and Timmy spies something lying loose in the trunk. "What are these, Grandpa?"

Charles looks at what Timmy is holding. "Oh, those are tees, Timmy."

"What are they for?", asks Timmy.

"You put your balls on them when you drive."

"Wow!", exclaims Timmy, "Those BMW people think of EVERYTHING!"

[Blind_Guardian]

LOL that was good man

[Fordgazm]

lmao , that was a good one .

[Blind_Guardian]

Twas the night before Christmas and caught at the light,
Was a domestic V8 and no cops in sight,
I will try, I will try, I will try with this small motor,
To beat this damn Mustang, even with its big blower,
As the light goes green and I pull like no joke,
The Mustang erupts in clouds of tire smoke,
Now Smasher, now Rev-ver, now Stroker, now Blitzin,
These are the names of my four VTEC pistons,
Racing ahead I'm the star of the action,
But I know I'm in trouble when V8 gets traction,
Grabbing second, I hear the RPM's sing,
My mirror is blocked by my shopping kart wing,
I now hear the roar of the big monster gaining,
All I can do is keeping the four-banger straining,
In a second, the shock wave hits with a blast,
And my stickers go flying now a thing of the past,
Don't bother with third, cause now it's too late,
Just try to act cool, like you can relate,
Looking up at the taillights as they get smaller,
The driver backs off just to give me a holler,
"You can't win them all," he says in fling,
"You may not win any, in that silly thing,"
I smiled and revved as he pulled out of sight,
With my new mods tomorrow…it will be a better night.

[Blind_Guardian]

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
=======================================

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

the social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

you'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

the guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

the social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[sxrpGT]

A joke my manager sent to me.



A Texas Chili Contest.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, (or know that Canadiens use only two spices-salt and salt) you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank. "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing ther at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards.

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Chili 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
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Judge 1-A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2-Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge 3-(Frank) Holy ****, wat the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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Chili 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
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Judge 1-Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2-Exciting bbq flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3-Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

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Chili 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
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judge 1-Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2-A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3-Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

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Chili 4 Bubba's Black Magic
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Judge 1-Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2-Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3-I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it due to the barmaid standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb ***** is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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Chili 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
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Judge 1-Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2-Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3-My ears are ringing, seat is pouring off my forehead and i can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four peaple behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told here that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning by lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

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Chili 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
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Judge 1-Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2-The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge 3-My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eath through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

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Chili 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
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Judge 1-A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2-Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3-You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach!

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Chili 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
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Judge 1-The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its exitence.
Judge 2-This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.



Drew

[Blind_Guardian]

LOL even as a canadian i enjoyed that. Sad but true tho lol. i do like spicy chili tho

[newstangownr]

Got this one in my e-mail today...



A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in
Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got
to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, " she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 to pay for heat bills, air conditioning bills,
light bills, water bills, sewer bills, trash bills, local taxes, state
taxes, federal taxes, worker's compensation taxes, social security taxes,
mortgage payments, real estate taxes, legal fees, building
insurance, auto insurance, auto registration fees, auto maintenance costs, food
and beverage expenses, liability insurance, house maintenance and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said He handed the Madam $100.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir, " said the Madam. Then she gestured to a

92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel has 67 years seniority
and she's next."


Peace.

[Langod]

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business.

And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the country to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"

The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."

The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."

The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck. As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too. The farmer is starting to get a little worried. Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!

Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere.
He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.

The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."

Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."

[Langod]

A guy walked into the gorilla house in the Zoo. He looked at the orangatans and the baboons. He then came to a new exhibit called The Mimicking Gorilla.
So the guy touched his stomach and the gorilla touched it's stomach. The
guy touched his head the gorilla touched it's head. Then the guy touched his eyelid. The gorilla reached out of his cage and beat the bejesus out of the guy.
While the guy was in the hospital he had a visit from the trainer of the gorilla. The trainer asked, "Why did the gentlest gorilla in the world beat you up?"
The guy told the trainer what had happened.
The trainer replied, "Oh, that's why -- Touching your eyelid means 'F*** You' in gorilla!"
The man came up with a plan to get the gorilla back. After leaving the hospital he went and bought a long package of salami and a knife. Before entering the zoo, he stuck the salami down his pants. Then he approached the gorilla.
The man touched his head and the gorilla did the same. The man touched his stomach and the gorilla did the same. The man pulled the salami halfway out of his zipper and cut half of it off with the knife. Then he slid the knife into the gorilla cage.
The gorilla looked straight at the man and touched its eyelid.